Mississippi Family Law

Not the Same

Fri, 25 May 2012 11:24:00 GMT

It has been a while since I sat down to write a blog article. Who would of thought being the executive director of a new, Mississippi non-profit adoption agency would be so time consuming? But I digress (more on that later)… I have a friend and client who is going through a divorce. He is a great guy who made a few mistakes. Actually, in the grand scheme of mistakes that a person can make in a marriage, his were relatively minor offenses, but his wife, a hard-charging, type-A personality, cannot stand that her perfect little idea of a life may not have a starched shirt and slick, silk tie. I grieve for him, but I grieve for her just as much. I want to reach out to her and tell her that if your idea of living is measured relationally to those around you as opposed to what springs from inside, inhabiting the spiritual realm, there will never be a sense of satisfaction, but what do I know, she is going through one divorce and I have been through about 500.

Folks, it ain’t that easy on the other side of the marriage fence. Remember, God created family and when we traverse in a world post divorce, it is operation against the blueprint. Mind you we are all operating against God’s intended purpose of unity after the fall, but divorce in the modern world with kids is like trying to fly a toaster –it is against design and it ain’t gonna be easy. That’s two “ain’ts” and a “gonna” in one paragraph –you can take the boy out of South Jackson, but you can’t take the South Jackson out of the boy!

Speaking of South Central, I celebrated my twenty-year high school class reunion last weekend. I kept calling it my ten-year anniversary and Rachel kept correcting me –thanks babe. Everyone has changed so much, but yet there was nostalgia and a familiarity that created a kindred mood. Except for me, everyone looked so old. Lifetimes had unfolded since we had last been collected together. In high school, you are together for about 3 or 4 years, and you lived about 15 or so in preparation for the experience, but we were twenty-years removed and we were different.

The same friend who is going through the divorce wants to agree to do something that he cannot afford to do for his kids. He is that type of guy. His heart is bigger than his bank account. He says she tells him she knows he cannot afford the provision, she just wants it in “the papers.” She will not hold him to it.

Wrong!

Your failed or failing marriage is like the high school experience. The marriage was a time of your life you needed to develop into the “who” you are, but when the busted relationship changes over time and there are other external and internal factors at play, your former spouse will be as different as my high school classmates. There will be a familiarity about them, but they are not the same. When you are negotiating your divorce, you have to keep in mind that you are not negotiating against your spouse; you are negotiating against the person they will become in five years.

You don’t know that person, but I do. I deal with her all day every day.

Go Buy a TV

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:42:00 GMT

I have gotten on this kick where I like salmon for breakfast –whether it be in an omelet or on a bagel or served Benedict style, throw in some tomatoes, purple onion, cream cheese and capers and it is on. If you are feeling frisky, you could include a little spinach for color. While I have been trying to cut carbs lately, for breakfast, especially one including “pink fish”, I make an exception. Every now and then I will go to breakfast by myself. It is a good way for me to clear my head before I get in to the office to face the day’s challenges.

I was sitting in a place near my house last week eating a salmon bagel when I ran into this guy I used to know who was a counselor in a former life. He had served as an expert witness for me a decade ago in a custody case that is now a published opinion. I told him remember “So and so….”, and of course, he did. “Well, they are at it again. This time over who is going to pay for college.”

He smiled, shook his head and said, “I have determined that people in constant, post-divorce conflict need to buy a television and watch some reality shows instead of trying to live them out.”

I laughed at the analogy, knowing deep down he is very right.

Here is a little side note about divorce in Mississippi. While I am a big fan of marriage, I hate that Mississippi is a fault-based divorce state. This means that in Mississippi, if you do not agree to get a divorce and you do not have a legally recognized reason, you do not get a divorce. It is ridiculous. It creates a situation where the party that wants a divorce the most will sometimes have to chew their leg off to get out of the bear trap of a miserable marriage. If someone stays separated long enough, they should be able to get a divorce in Mississippi, but it is an unpopular position for a southern legislator to take, even though it creates an incredibly hostile environment that will pollute the parties’ ability to cooperate in the future, just like the ones I am helping figure out the deal with the cost of college.

Last week, Jeremy and I tried a case in small town that I have worked in for years. With all the work putting our adoption agency together and several favorable family law settlements in which we were able to avoid a trial, it was good to get back into the courtroom. It felt like the old days. Cross-examination is one of my favorite things to do, and I am pretty darn good at it. My motto is “When in doubt, object!” In this case, the parties have been married for 35 years, and one of the few things they agree on was they had not had sex since 1995. Their marriage was not just on life support; it had been dead for a long, long time. Amazingly, it will be a close call as to whether or not my client will get a divorce –because her long since estranged husband will not agree to a divorce because if the case goes to the Judge on the money issues, he will have to pay her a good bit, and he is holding onto his money with a dead man’s grip. Had he tried to hold onto his marriage half as hard as he is trying to hold on to his money in the divorce, these folks would be off celebrating life together. Instead, they spent two days in a throwback to the 1950’s courtroom and they will collectively spend tens of thousands of dollars just to get a divorce.

As I have gotten a little older, I do not watch very much television, much less reality TV. But many divorcing or divorced people would be better off if they did, as opposed to trying to live it out. Man, life is just too short. Although I obviously like a good fight in a courtroom every now and then, if it were my life on the line, I would avoid it at all costs and just spend my money on a good television and stay home.

200 Million Flowers Update

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 13:33:00 GMT

A few people have asked me whether or not I am going to quit practicing law and focus on 200 Million Flowers full time. I kind of laugh when people say that, not because it is necessarily a crazy idea, but because I am leveraging the law practice to be able to help, in part, finance this new adoption agency. One friend said “The divorces are funding the adoptions.” I guess that’s true. However, I really love practicing law and managing my law firm. I get to work with an client base every day – many of whom are in the worst crisis of their life, and the R+A team is world class in my humble opinion. But I am also having a blast helping to get 200 Million Flowers off the ground. It is a really fun second job and we are just getting started.

I know many of you are interested in the progress of the agency, so I am going to spend a few minutes to provide you with an update. It is a very exciting time to become a partner with this awesome movement. 200 Million Flowers was just formed in June of 2011, and over that time, we have been constantly gaining momentum. The following is a short list of what’s happening with 200 Million Flowers:

• A sibling group from Ukraine is being pursued for adoption that they met through a 200MF event;

• We are working closely with the PALS house, a ministry of SCSCY;

• Liquid Creative is building our website and continuing to support us an many ways in developing our brand and marketing strategy;

• We submitted our application for licensure to the DHS on February 23, 2012 (Which was about a 7 inch thick three ring binder);

• We are working on brochures and cloud based administrative tools;

• Raising the Barr Fitness has agreed to be our title sponsor for our spring fundraiser, a race named Five K for the Fatherless and currently scheduled for June 2, 2012 in Olde Towne Ridgeland. Please “like” us on FaceBook to get updates;

• Our social worker will become a full time employment on or about May 1, 2012

• Creative partnerships are being formed for ministry and product development

I hope you will mark your calendar and plan to participate in the Five K for the Fatherless. So you know, we are still looking for sponsors for the race. Contact me if you want more information.

It has been an incredible start to the life of this organization. Obviously, fundraising and public relations are a big part of what has to be done before we dig into the real work of combating the fatherlessness pandemic. We believe that our initial focus will be to provide home study services to adoptive couples and begin to build our outreach program to women in crisis pregnancy situations. Last year in Mississippi alone, 7,000 children were born to teenage mothers.

Thank you for caring enough about this organization to reach this little update. Hope to see you on June 2^nd at the race!

By: Craig Robertson

KEEP CALM and CARRY ON

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 17:17:00 GMT

I should be in the shower headed to the office, but I am writing to you instead. Last year I was in the habit of writing almost every day. I was sharing thoughts inspired by our church’s L3 Journal to a bunch of guys. It hasn’t gone that way this year. When Emma started kindergarten, our mornings became much more hectic, and if I didn’t write first thing in the morning, it was not going to happen. This week, Rachel is on a mission trip in Costa Rica with a group called Visiting Orphans. I am getting a small taste of being a single dad.

It is not fun.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my kids – but why anyone would choose this life is beyond me. I guess if we decide to start a family, few of us expected that we would do it by ourselves. It is against design. I will testify.

During WWII the British government commissioned propaganda posters to convey messages to its citizens. The guy who designed our website posted a YouTube video to Facebook that told the story about how one of these posters resurfaced in 2000 in a secondhand bookstore called Barter Books. While I had never heard of the poster before yesterday, apparently a lot of people have, and it has had a viral impact in the UK and the rest of the world. The British government printed about 2.5 Million posters in the 40’s, but I am sure hundred of millions have seen the images at this point. The original poster is faded orange and is adored with a simple crown of a dead king. It says KEEP CALM and CARRY ON.

That is my advice today to my Mississippi divorce clients and potential clients. KEEP CALM and CARRY ON. Man, we know how to freak out about every little thing. I know I do, especially trying to do this thing by myself. I get caught up in the small dramas of life and lose site of the epic story God is trying to write with me. KEEP CALM and CARRY ON.

Before Rachel left we took the kids to see the new Lorax movie. It was in 3-D. I see more kids movies than anything else at the theatre these days, but this movie was awesome. According to Box Office Mojo, the Lorax has made $158 million in 3 weeks. At about $8 per ticket, that means that 20 million people (or thereabouts) have seen the movie so far. If you don’t know the story, everything in the town of Sneedville was plastic- even the air was bottled. “No nature, no flowers, and no one seemed to mind…” There is a little girl who loves trees. Real ones. This little boy loves the girl, so he sets out to find a tree. The story is all about how materialism killed what was beautiful in the world, but that there is hope things can be better if at least one person cares --If one person will KEEP CALM and CARRY ON.

Have you seen the Kony 2012 video? The last report I saw said that 80 million people have seen this movie, which was put out by a group called Invisible Children to make a Ugandan rebel infamous and bring him to justice through the international court system. It is a powerful short documentary and is an example about how our world, through Internet based media, is changing and being impacted.

Media is such a powerful thing.

Whether it is a war poster, a children’s book or a movie, art and story engages our minds. It is how we were meant to communicate with one another. It gives a longing hope that one person or one idea can carry us through. That we can be fulfilled in this life if we lean into the Right Plan –if we KEEP CALM and CARRY ON.

By: Craig Robertson

What to Expet with the Appointment of a Guardian Ad Litem

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:32:00 GMT

When I was very young, my parents got divorced. Luckily, I remember very little of the child custody battle that my parents were enthralled in and all the mud-slinging they engaged in, but I definitely remember that I had to talk to a lawyer. The best part is, I cannot begin to tell you what I told that lawyer, all I can remember is that his name was Buz, that I was supposed to tell him the truth, and he was going to look out for my best interest. As a child, I had very little reason to complain, because even though I came from a broken home, my parents still loved, cared, and provided for me; I was certainly never abused and my parents did not throw accusations like that back and forth just to spite each other. I am sure you have all heard it before, in child custody cases, the best interest of the child prevails, but what happens if mom or dad says the other parent abused their child, either physically or sexually? Who makes that determination?

A little background is necessary. If the allegation of abuse arises during the course of a divorce or custody suit, then the chancery court you are currently in front of will have the authority to make a determination, if the allegation arises outside of the chancery court setting, the youth court in your county has the authority. The rules change a little in youth court, so we will just focus on chancery court. So let’s say you and your spouse are beginning the divorce process and there is no child custody order in place or maybe one of you files a modification of child custody and in either situation, someone says you abused your child and the judge appoints a Guardian ad Litem or a GAL. That person, the GAL, takes an oath vowing to look out for the best interest of the child and basically serves as an arm for the court to investigate, find facts, and make an independent report to the court with recommendations. Guardians ad Litem have the ability to visit the homes of the parties, interview any persons, review any school, medical, police, or other records, review any Department of Human Services records related to the cause, and make requests of either parent where appropriate. In sum, a GAL can ask you for just about anything and you should do what they ask because after all, they are looking out for the best interest of your child. Just like you would tell your lawyer the truth, tell the GAL the truth, because if you and your spouse are slinging mud, then the truth will come out sooner or later.

Typically, a GAL will conduct interviews with you, your spouse, the child, and anyone else involved, like grandparents, teachers, doctors, etc… The GAL will also stop in for a home visit with both parties to get a better picture of the environment the child will be in if custody or visitation is awarded to that parent. After the GAL finishes interviews and home visits and reviewing applicable records, she sits down to write a (usually) detailed report wherein she goes through the various interviews, weighs the Albright Factors to determine the best interest of the child, and finally makes recommendations to the court as to what she believes is in the child’s best interest. These recommendations may vary from a standard visitation schedule, parenting classes, supervised visitation, or even joint custody. The judge does not have to accept the GAL’s recommendations, but if the GAL did what she was supposed to do, then you can probably bet that the judge will accept the recommendations and make his order accordingly.

So what is the take-home message here? Well for starters, slinging-mud to spite your spouse isn’t going to help speed anything up or make the transition easier for you or your children, rather throwing out allegations of abuse that you KNOW are not true will slow your case down to snail’s pace. There are of course legitimate allegations of abuse and these should not be taken lightly. But I have served as a GAL a few times, and in each case, I did not find enough evidence to support or refute the allegations of abuse thrown around by the parents. What appeared to be going on was each individual parent thought it would help their case to drag the other through the mud, no matter if what they said was true or not and in the end, it only hurt their child. So keep the best interest of your child in mind!

By: Courtney Wolfe

Does Mississippi Have Legal Separation?

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 22:36:00 GMT

Marriage is hard, there is no denying it and sometimes couples want to test the waters so-to-speak to see if they want to stay and work on their marriage or if they are ready to begin the divorce process. Couples who are not ready for divorce often opt for a trial separation, i.e. someone moves out of the house, gets an apartment, as if they are taking a so-called break from the marital home and possibly the marital relationship. Some states have laws that allow for couples to have a “legal separation”, however, Mississippi does not. Here the rule is simple: the law favors marriage. You are married until you are divorced or someone is dead. There is no such thing as legally separated in Mississippi, couples cannot go to a court and request that it put a hold on the marriage. This does not mean that you and your spouse cannot agree to a separation, it only means that any such agreement will not be judicially enforced.

There are matters which are ancillary to separation that the court will address for parties who are taking a break from marriage or those in the pre-divorce limbo. For parties who do not yet wish to obtain a divorce, the court may order separate maintenance wherein a spouse is ordered to provide financial support so long as the spouse being left behind is not the cause of the other’s departure from the marital home. Orders for separate maintenance either require the paying spouse to resume the marital relationship and reconcile (again, favoring marriage) or provide the ordered financial support. Separate maintenance actions may also include requests for child support and determinations of access to children during the period the parties are separated but do not wish to proceed with divorce. For parties who have decided that divorce is necessary, the court may award temporary relief, but that does not change one’s marital status. Temporary relief can include those things mentioned above, as well as alimony and child support. It will also designate a temporary child custody order that will remain in effect until the final disposition of the marriage (or if a divorce is not granted, then any temporary orders may be dissolved by the court at its discretion).

To sum it up, as I mentioned before, the law favors marriage, which is why Mississippi courts will not enforce a judgment ordering couples to remain separated, but there are options for couples who are contemplating divorce. Possibly the best thing for struggling couples before going down the road of separation and/or divorce is to simply arm oneself with information from their attorney, counselor or pastor.

By: Courtney Wolfe

Financial Advisor Guest Post: Because They are Worth It

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:31:00 GMT

Statistics show that roughly one out of every two marriages will end in divorce. There are many factors that require attention during and after a divorce. Some of the obvious are financially related, but the less obvious emotional factors can severely impact the financial outcome of a divorce. I recently had a client make the following statement after settling a multimillion-dollar divorce:

"Chris, do you know why divorces are so expensive?"

"I'm not sure. Please tell me"

"BECAUSE THEY ARE WORTH IT!"

Although I am happily married and cannot fully understand this sentiment, below are some common emotional and financial mistakes that we see people make during divorces, which when the dust settles is the only thing left of a marriage.

FAILING TO PRODUCE AN ACCURATE AND COMPLETE BUDGET

Invariably clients underestimate or omit expenses when they produce their initial budget when starting the divorce process, and later on in the divorce they complain about not being able to pay bills. Budgeting is not fun, but when looking in the rear view mirror, many people wish they had spent more time in this area. Use a financial professional to help you produce an accurate and complete budget.

IGNORING THE IMPACT OF TAXES ON A SETTLEMENT

You’ve heard the old saying “It’s not what you make (in income) that counts, it’s what you keep.” The same holds true when discussing dividing marital assets. Say your spouse handles all the investments and offers to split them 50/50. Sounds fair, right? I suggest you look at the value of your assets relative to your spouse on an after-tax basis. Then decide if you like the deal.

FAILURE TO USE COMPUTER MODELS TO EVALUATE SETTLEMENT PROPOSALS

If you are trying to decide whether a divorce settlement is equitable and workable, you certainly want to know how you will be doing financially three, five, ten, or fifteen years down the road. There are many interacting factors you must consider including inflation, assets, incomes, budgets, maintenance, child support, taxes, social security, retirement plans, and investments as well as educational expenses. Specialized financial planning computer models help produce comprehensive and realistic analysis of your post-divorce lifestyle. Having this knowledge helps dramatically in the negotiation process.

EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO ASSETS DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE

The marital residence, the pension you earned, the painting purchased during your marriage - these assets bring an emotionally charged debate to divorce negotiations. The fact is many women can't afford the house and give a low priority to retirement plans. A house is an asset that has a low return on investment and is a major cash expense. Many people even hold emotional attachments to investments and become paralyzed when making financial decisions due to the fear of making bad ones. Most of the mistakes that we see people make in investing or other financial decision making is when they let their emotions dictate what they do. Engage a non-emotional, unbiased advisor to help in making those types of decisions.

DISREGARDING THE LONG-TERM IMPACT OF INFLATION

The effects of inflation on the cost of a child's college education fifteen years in the future or retirement twenty years in the future can be dramatic. At 7% inflation, the tuition that costs $15,000/ year today will cost $41,000 fifteen years from now!

NOT WAITING UNTIL THE WIFE IS ELIGIBLE FOR HER HUSBAND'S SOCIAL SECURITY

If a couple is married for ten years or longer, a wife is entitled to receive half of her husband's social security at retirement. Her ex-husband's social security payments are unaffected. Ironically, the average length of marriage for people who get divorced is 9.6 years. Waiting just six months longer would increase a spouse's retirement options with no reduction in the ex-spouse's social security payment.

FORGETTING TO CHANGE BENEFICIARY DESIGNATIONS

After heavily contested divorces, many people forget to change the beneficiaries on their life insurance policies, Retirement plans, and in their will. The result is that their ex-spouse ends up inheriting their estate, which they really wanted to leave to their children, new partner, or favorite charities. Always remember that title to assets and beneficiary designations supersede what your will says.

FAILURE TO INSURE THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

Premature death or disability of your ex-spouse can result in loss of income in the form of alimony, child support, college tuition, or property settlement. Life and disability insurance can guarantee your payments and your family's security. Also, don't ignore the high cost of purchasing individual health insurance versus the group plan you may have been on pre-divorce.

FAILURE TO DEVELOP A POST-DIVORCE FINANCIAL PLAN

One indisputable fact of divorce is that two households cost more to operate than one, but income is unchanged. Many people start their post-divorce lives not fully understanding that their settlement must last a significant amount of time, possibly even the rest of their lives. Financial planning can help people transition from married to single lifestyle by prioritizing financial goals, developing realistic expectations, and producing written plans for allocation of financial resources.

By: Chris Tipton

Stuck in the Middle

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:21:00 GMT

It is not unusual for a non-custodial parent to request to modify their child custody arrangement. To do so, the non-custodial parent must prove a material change of circumstances has occurred in the custodial home which adversely affects the child and that modification is in the best interest of the child. This is the traditional modification standard. However, what about parents who share custody of their children i.e. have joint custody? What is the standard? Although the parties must similarly show a material change, the standard for joint custody arrangement also requires that the change makes joint custody “unworkable” or “unmanageable.”See Lackey v. Fuller, 755 So. 2d 1083, 1089 (Miss. 2000).

So what type of change creates an “unworkable” joint custody arrangement? Many times these situations result from a mother and father who refuse to cooperate under the joint custody orders, ignore their child's best interest, or when a parent moves to another State. When one parent moves, the joint custody arrangement often requires a child to change schools or homes. Therefore, the traditional standard for modification no longer allows a chancellor to change what would be an impractical custody agreement. In order to avoid children being stuck in the middle, the standard for joint custody is more flexible and easier to modify.

Meredith Price

Private Investigator Guest Post - Helping Myself

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:35:00 GMT

A strange thing happened to me the other day, when I went for my annual checkup with my cardiologist. He came into the room and began asking me the very same questions he has asked me every year for the past ten years. Have you recently experienced any shortness of breath? Have you noticed any swelling in your legs or ankles? Have you experienced any periods of dizziness, etc.? Then, he asked if anything had occurred over the past year, health wise, that I thought he should be aware of? Like many, I couldn’t think of a thing, at the time. Later, I began to think of things and wondered if he would have wanted to know about them? Would these few, seemingly insignificant things, have had an effect on his decisions regarding my health care?

Later that same day, I met with a client. I was amazed when I found myself asking the same series of questions that I ask to every client. What has happened that makes you suspicious of your spouse’s activities? Is there missing time in your spouse’s day, times they were out-of-pocket that they cannot or will not explain? Have they started hiding or locking their cell phone? Have they started minimizing the computer screen when you walk in the room or erasing the internet history when they log off? After those, I recall asking the client to tell me what it is that they believe indicates a problem? Wow, I sounded just like my doctor, asking my client to tell me anything, everything they could think of that would influence my decision or plan for a solution to their situation.

My point is this, investigator’s are like any other professional, they do not know what it is they do not know! Like medical problems, every situation of domestic discord has symptoms that are common or similar in all cases but, it’s the subtle differences that affect the diagnosis and plan for action that will limit the suffering in this present situation.

When I meet with a client, I expect that they will prepare in advance, make a list of the things that have crossed their minds and/or aroused their suspicions. They know their spouse and I do not. Sometimes I tell them they don’t need my services, they don’t yet have enough information for me to form an opinion. Other times, the client arrives with a list of events that would cause their pastor to be suspicious! Those are the clients that an investigator can help.

If you feel you may have a problem, start a journal. Make a note every time something occurs that makes you suspicious. Over time, even the best memories fade. You may remember the situation but, forget the day it happened. Was it a week day, a Friday night? What time of the day did the event occur? Who else may have knowledge of the event? These questions may mean nothing to you but, can make a difference to the investigator you will task with finding the answers. Every journal entry should have a date and time note beside the event. Armed with this information, an investigator can formulate a plan of action, target the best time to conduct surveillance, get the answers and in most cases minimize the cost. After all, finding the answer is the reason you contacted an investigator in the first place, isn’t it?

By: Mike Byrd, PI

Money Will Not Grow on Trees

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:35:00 GMT

Money might not grow on trees, but if it did, you would have an ongoing duty to report any changes in the foliage of your money tree if you were involved in a domestic case where there were any economic or property issues . Anyone who has gone through a divorce in Mississippi probably remembers having to fill out the 8.05 Financial Statement-page after page where you are required to itemize anything pertaining to money- your salary, pensions, insurance, down to what you spend every month on magazine subscriptions and even what you tithe every month to your church. As fun and exciting as it was to fill out the form before, effective July 1, 2012, individuals in domestic cases where money and/or property are involved (i.e. divorces, child custody and support, spousal support, etc…) are now required to disclose ALL assets and liabilities, regardless of whether they are marital or non-marital and are under a DUTY to supplement their prior disclosures if any changes have occurred.

So what does this mean for you and your soon-to-be ex? Well, it means that the Court wanted to make clear that EVERYTHING, whether marital or non-marital, MUST be disclosed and that if information provided by prior disclosures changes, spouses MUST provide updates. So why are you now under a duty to supplement your disclosures? Well, when a chancery court is equitably dividing the marital property or determining the appropriate amount of child support, the court must have accurate numbers to base its decision. You would not want your soon-to-be ex to fill out his or her 8.05 Financial Statement when he or she is unemployed or underemployed and then right before the hearing, your ex lands a job that pays double any salary you have ever seen! So remember its simple- include everything in your financial statement and amend if there are any changes.

By: Courtney Wolfe

Tim Tebow versus Joel Osteen

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:50:00 GMT

I have a friend who is an addict. It breaks my heart how he continually makes bad choices. I have not supported his bad choices and he has said many things calculated to hurt me –mostly via text message. Even if untrue or with only shades of truth, words from those you love hurt the most. That is one of the many things that make divorce in the Bible belt of Mississippi (or anywhere for that matter) so freaking hard.

One of my counselor friends Phil Hardin said to a group I was attending the other day that the opposite of love is not hate. Love and hate are like the heads and the tails of a quarter. You cannot walk into a store and spend a “tails” or a “heads.” You have to spend the whole thing. Love and hate come from the same place. The opposite of love is actually fear. More on this some other day.

One of the things my friend said was that I am the Joel Osteen of divorce in Mississippi. He says I am a big fraud that uses my church and my faith to get business. While I don’t really know much about Joel Osteen, I have seen him on TV, so I guess he is a modern day televangelist. I know he is the pastor of a mega church in Houston and he smiles all the time. I have been called many things in my life, but a televangelist is a new one for me. I have been pretty bothered by this coupled with some of the other things that he said. I really wanted to help him, but it got so bad that I had to ask him to stop texting me. I am very sad about it. I am grieving the lost relationship that was such a source of joy for me for a long time. It feels a little like a divorce.

While I am talking about this, I want to set something straight. While I am a Christian, I know God hates divorce. I wrestle with this fact every day. The way I see it, I am on the front lines of the emotional and spiritual battles that my clients live out when they walk through a separation or a divorce. It sounds crazy or hypocritical or whatever, but I love what I do. Some people have asked me if I am going to quit practicing divorce and focus all of my energy on our new adoption agency, 200 Million Flowers. The answer to that is “No.” Frankly, the divorces are funding the adoptions. Maybe this makes me a big fraud or selfish or whatever, but it is what it is.

Take Tim Tebow. He is a somewhat polarizing figure in sports, especially after being routed by the Patriots in the playoffs, but few people can argue with his heart, both on and off the field. One of the biggest reasons he is able to be a philanthropist is football. Trust me, while Jesus is in his heart, if you meet Tim Tebow on the football field, he is going to try to tear your head off. He is going to play by the rules. He will help you up after he knocks you down. He will pray for you after the game. But while the clock is ticking and he is leading his team down the field, it is you against him.

My attitude about the practice of divorce in Mississippi is sort of like Tim Tebow’s approach to football. I do not want to see people hurt. I am not going to play dirty. I am genuinely touched by my client’s real life struggles. But if I meet you in a courtroom and I am representing my client against you, I am going to try to knock your socks off. That’s all there is too it. Ask someone who has been cross-examined by me over the last ten years and see if they think I am like Joel Osteen.

Anyway, this entire situation has given me some real ideas about how to deal with harassing phone calls from people you once cared about, and that unfortunately, criminal charges for telephone harassment or cyberstalking may be the only recourse when a person on the tails side of love will not stop. This is especially complicated when you and the person have legitimate reasons to talk, like coordinating visitation with kids.

And to my friend, if he is reading this I want him to know that my heart breaks for him. I only want success, happiness and health for him and I hope someday he finds it. No, I am not the same person I was when I was 25. Thank God. As far as I can tell, if you are not growing, you are dying –and I want to LIVE.

By: Craig Robertson

My Dog Wears a Sweater

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:30:00 GMT

We live in great abundance in the United States. It is hard to understand this until you visit a poor country like I had the opportunity to do earlier this year when I traveled to South Africa to work in orphan care at the epicenter of the world AIDS pandemic. Notwithstanding that amazing trip, which you can read about here, it was easy to settle back into my routine of abundance. This is evidenced, in part, by the fact that my dog wears a sweater. I try to tell folks that he is my “man dog” or that he is my “hunting dog”, but the truth is –well, you know what the truth is. He is, to say the least, a luxury. For goodness sakes he is wearing a sweater!

A lot of people get depressed around Christmas time. Like Clark Griswold did in Christmas vacation –which I have now watched about four times this Christmas season, we set expectations upon ourselves and our families that nobody is able to meet. We are the anxious and self-loathing products of mass marketing. As my wife put it so well to me in the car the other day, “If people would turn their focus away from themselves at Christmas and serve others, they would not be bored and they would be much happier.”

On January 2, 2012, there will be a great opportunity to serve others by participating when200 Million Flowers partners with Promise 139 to bring a group of Ukrainian orphans to Jackson, Mississippi. You can find out more information about how to get involved here.

Here are some facts about orphan life as published by Promise 139 that you can think about this holiday season when you, like me, get to bathe in our abundance:

** Ukraine has over 100,000 orphans.

** Only 10% of these are orphaned due to death of a parent; the rest are social orphans due to alcoholism, abandonment, or imprisonment of parents.

** Every year, more than 2,000 mothers abandon their babies in maternity hospitals. Between 6 and 7 thousand more are abandoned at an older age or removed from home due to crime or neglect.

** Many social orphans have experienced abuse and violence from parents who were drug addicts or alcoholics.

** Orphans typically grow up in large state-run homes, which may house over 200 children. Many children run away from these homes, preferring to live on the street.

** Children usually graduate from these institutions between 15 and 16 years old and are turned out, unprepared for life outside the home.

** About 10% of them will commit suicide after leaving the orphanage before their 18th birthday.

** 60% of the girls will end up in prostitution. Those who run prostitution rings target orphaned girls, who are especially vulnerable due to their lack of options and lack of people who care what happens to them. Though promised good jobs, they end up on the streets and brothels of cities across Europe.

** 70% of the boys will enter a life of crime. Many of these will die young of violence or end up in prison. Most inmates contract TB in prison.

** Ukraine is now encouraging long-term foster care in private homes as an alternative to large state-run orphanages, but it will likely take years for reforms to offer any meaningful change for many children.

By: Craig Robertson

The Parasite

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 20:02:00 GMT

I get inspired for these little articles, aka rants, from all different sorts of crazy places. This week, it comes from an official looking note on orange paper being sent home with Emma about a breakout of lice in her classroom. When I was a kid…. Yep, I got them. My little tail was sent home from school after an examination from my teacher with a sharpened pencil. It was very embarrassing and getting rid of them was a long, annoying, time consuming process.

Wikipedia, the world’s foremost authority on everything, defines Parasitism as a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species where one organism, the parasite, benefits at the expense of the other, the host.

I think marriages can be parasitic.

Men and women are different --not different species, but close enough. Anyone who has lived more than six years on this planet is well aware of that. We were both meant to bring something to a marriage. To serve one another in ways that are complimentary. The parasitic marriage happens when there is one partner doing all of the serving while the other, the parasite, does all of the receiving. Like the woman who has the steady job as a nurse while her husband “plays in a band.” She provides the families’ only income, the health insurance, and she does most of the cooking, cleaning and child rearing. The guy sleeps to 10 a.m., smokes pot and looks at porn. That was fine when you were 23, but not so much when you are 33. Maybe he day trades on the computer. Maybe he is a “writer” or even better, a “blogger.” He is probably also chasing some addiction –alcohol, gambling, drugs, sex…. whatever. By the way, that’s where we guys go when we are not living by design. When we are not the King, Warrior and Priest we were designed to be, we go addictive. As a man who believes in hustle, I have very little sympathy for the parasitic husband.

Girls can be parasites too, although it is often less obvious than when the husband is the parasite. They are “stay-at-home-moms” that go to the gym, talk on the phone, play tennis and/or shop and/or flirt all day. They may run the kids around a little, but they complain about it heavily. They contribute very little to the home other than their presence and their spending habits. Women can go two unhealthy ways in a marriage. They can go hyper-controlling or they can become hyper-needy. Now let me be clear. Being a stay-at-home mom can be the hardest job around. I am not talking about those moms who are investing in the lives of their children and their families. I am talking about the other ones. You know who they are. They starve their husband from sexual intimacy or they immaculate him by not believing in him or even worse, belittling him. The most fragile thing in any home is the ego of the man of the house. By not believing in their man, wives can create a scared little shell of a man or even worse, a guy who becomes abusive or an abuser of substances or experiences. Sometimes both parties to a marriage can live as parasites. Those are the families that live a life beyond their ability because of the success or wealth of their parents. Family money can be a huge blessing or a wicked curse. This can also happen when people over extend themselves with debt.

When the resources are coming from the parents, the lifestyle of the marriage will never be sustained for both parties –only the party who is the second generation money. Attention first generation money: If the parasite is not paying for their legal services, they have no incentive to make good decisions based on a practical cost/benefit analysis.

Also, Credit and access to money will eventually dry up.

When the parasitic marriage ends, the parasites are in trouble. You see, parasites can do very little on their own. They are helpless without their host, just like lice are helpless without a child’s hair.

By: Craig Robertson

Top 5 Places People that Cheat Meet

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:44:00 GMT

If you have read much of what I have written, you know that while adultery causes a lot of divorces, it is usually not the primary reason a marriage fails. The failed marriage leads to cheating --it is a symptom of the disease in most cases, not the disease itself. Nevertheless, where people that cheat meet is pretty predictable, and I thought I would spend a few minutes talking about them.

Work: The number one place that people who cheat meet is work. They may be co-workers or there may be a client or customer relationship, but if you put unhappy people of the opposite sex in a situation where they are communicating about anything, it can lead to trouble. I think in all of these areas, the key is access. It is the ability for married people of the opposite sex to be engaged in private community with one another that leads to inappropriate behavior. So if you are suspicious that your spouse is being unfaithful, the first place to look is a person with whom they have a legitimate business relationship. If you want to guard your heart or the heart of your spouse in these situations, you have to limit the access to privacy. Not in a crazy, controlling type of way, but in a mutual decision to place healthy boundaries in place type of way. For example, you and your spouse should have an agreement that you will never go to lunch with someone of the opposite sex. One should also keep the door open if in a meeting with someone of the opposite sex. I also believe it is a good idea for spouses to visit their partners’ workplaces on a regular basis.

Online: The social media pandemic is fascinating and tragic. I actually did an online poll you may have seen when I was brainstorming about this post. Social media is a representation of the “top 5%” of life. People usually do not post about their problem children, depression medication, porn addiction or overbearing mother. They post pictures when they are all dressed up, on a vacation or when their kids are doing fun stuff in their sports uniforms. You do not see the fights over the spilled ice cream or the dog pooping on the carpet. Facebook or any online media is false reality. It is fantasy. Sure, you can see a picture of someone, get their email address, find out where they work and see their marital status, but can you really know someone through social media? Of course not! But what Facebook does is allow people to connect in a way that was impossible ten years ago. I bet if you asked more senior divorce attorneys what was a place that people would meet to cheat twenty years ago, they would say high school reunions. Facebook is a high school or college reunion that happens every day of the year. Oh BTW, life was easy and uncomplicated in high school and college. Heck, even in law school my rent was only $175 a month.

Through the Kids: People who have kids automatically have something to talk about. A common experience that breaks the ice for more intimate conversation that leads to --well, doing it. In all sadness, however, it is the kids who are most effected by the decision to walk down the infidelity road. You know, new love is like anesthesia. It displaces reality through a rush of testosterone or adrenaline and makes us do stupid stuff. A smart counselor friend of mine told me that “strange nookie” is the strongest drug known to man. The truth is, you put men and women in a situation where they are interacting with one another on an intimate level, and it will lead to chaos.

Church: Church’s are like hospitals because both house people that are very sick. I am one of them. They are places where people who need spiritual attention go to get it. At church, people are literally wearing their Sunday best. I am of the opinion that we are all broken spiritually and we need to be fed. God is love. God resides in perfect community in the Holy Trinity. Everyone needs love and community. People seeking after God are actively looking for it. When the love dynamic is broken at home, and that is the reality in way more than half of our marriages in America, it creates a situation wherein under the right circumstances, we find the false love and false truth of adultery at the place where you would least suspect it. It is a sad reality that adultery is alive and well in our churches.

The Rest: Bars, Spouse’s friends, Las Vegas, Business trips, the Gym, Neighbors, Grocery stores, etc. People who cheat can meet just about anywhere. I only listed a few. If you are married, there are few good reasons to be in a bar without your spouse. It is just asking for trouble. I guess the same holds true for Las Vegas. Just watch the commercials. Your actions may stay in Vegas, but the ramifications follow your tail home- trust me. Unfortunately, business trips are often unavoidable. The little bit I have traveled for work -I know the road can be a lonely place. The gym is a good one. Most of the time people go to the gym alone and they are surrounded by people that are either fit or trying to get fit- people that care about their body image. As far as your spouse’s friends or a neighbor….. Really? How can that be a good idea? I get it. These folks are easy access, but you are asking for more trouble than you can take if you choose to cheat with someone with whom there is a close personal relationship with your spouse –even if it is just through proximity.

By: Craig Robertson

The South Africa Essay: Conclusion

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:23:00 GMT

Today will be our heaviest day. We are going to the heart of Sweetwaters to visit the Hope Center where kids from the community live that cannot go home. They also distribute food on Fridays. We have a window in the otherwise terrible weather to get in. Narrow dirt roads and the hilly terrain make travel difficult. Before we go, we head to Tabitha to participate in the daily worship. Everyone attends. The children carry plastic chairs on their heads and line them out for us. The singing is transcendent. Hands are raised in the air and the smiles are big. The workers are angelic. Their worn shoes hardly touch the ground as they clap and sway. The children join the celebration.

My new friend George has expressed interest to Jason in making an extended visit, but he is not sure what he could do to help. George is twice divorced and lives alone. During a break in the singing, George is encouraged by Jan that the children have cherished his fatherly influence. Jan does not know that George wants to come back, and this was not a part of the scheduled program. It was prophetic and Spirit inspired. An elder man investing in the lives of kids in the African culture is rare. God is stirring something. I would not be surprised if George ends up living in South Africa to be a father figure for these fatherless children. What a great story.

All nine of us pile into Tabitha’s newly cleaned truck and head for the community. We dodge cows and people as we make our way to the center. The valley smells wet, like red earth mixed with death. We pass women carrying children tied to their backs with blankets. Makeshift convenience stores look more like childhood lemonade stands, only less colorful and more serious.

When we arrive, we are introduced to Zanele. She lives at the Hope Center and runs the operation. Her spirit is infectious. She acts bullet proof. We are given a tour of the center. There is a window that is accessible to the community where women who cannot care for their children can leave them. The child is rested on a pink Care Bears blanket and a bell rings. It is called a Moses drop. I have conflicted feelings when I looked at it. I imagine what is going through the minds of the mothers who place their children through that window? What a selfless act. The children live across the compound in what looks like a shack. Mud from the rain has splashed against the aqua blue exterior walls. The building is connected to a partially completed room made of mud. Laundry is drying on a small tree outside. Other clothes are being washed in an old bathtub filled with rainwater. Water is collected from the roofs of the building in large green drums. There are true, free range chickens running everywhere. Free range means that the chickens eat what they find, not corn. I always thought it meant that they were not in cages. The roosters are skinny and scary, like they could kick some serious ass in a cock fight. Trash is scattered about the grounds. There is a skinny dog tied to his house which is made of mud bricks and a stick framed metal roof. He looks hungry. I am not going to get within ten feet of that animal. I look down and realize that I have been walking over two graves in the middle of the compound. I feel sick inside, like the feeling you get when you have too much caffeine.

I have to duck my head to get through the front door where the children sleep. A woman is sweeping, so we take off our shoes. The interior is clean and there are bunk beds with a stuffed animal on each pillow. A partially burned candle sits next to a Bible written in Zulu and a broken mirror. There is electricity, but it is primitive. Clothes are piled in the corner of the room and the halls are narrow and dark.

We pile back into Tabitha’s truck and Zanele joins us. There goes the car wash. Zanele leads a team of women who care for the sick and the child headed households. She is going to take us to some of the homes under her care. Zanele has a cell phone that constantly rings. Many in the community saw the Tabitha truck this morning and are calling her Blackberry to express their needs. She speaks in Zulu, of course. We wind up and down the narrow roads of Sweetwaters. When we stop at the first home, I notice a barefooted little boy wearing blue jeans and a red and gray striped shirt. He looks at us with curiosity. The rain water at this home is collected in a barrel with no top. The home is constructed of red brick made of mud. Clothes are being dried on the fence. We pray for the young women inside who is under several heavy blankets, although it is hot. She is in her twenties and dying of AIDS. Her lips are dry and her hair is tangled. Her eyes are yellow. I swallow hard and am glad when we say our goodbye.

The next home is worse and harder to access. We travel over a stream where you can see human waste. This home is composed of several buildings. There are caged puppies outside, but no garden like we have seen along the way. Another young girl is dying inside. I wonder about the moment she was infected. She has a jug of dirty water, pain killers, suppositories and cheap liquor next to her bed. Her caregiver is also HIV positive, but the ARVs are working and she can walk. They are glad we have come. The sadness is thick, but bright pink African flowers with narrow petals grow wildly and decorate patches of this dreadful place. Zanele engages in a serious conversation and we are led out of the home after Don prays for her comfort.

We are turned away at the third home. The patient is dead. The body is inside. A woman holds a todler and her voice is melodic as she speaks with Zanele. The relief is palpable. They laugh with each other. The young woman, also called Zanele, died at 5:00 a.m. Her mother, who is left to care for the little boy dressed in all blue, yells for her neighbor in a happy tone as we leave the property. There is laughter after death.

The doorway to the last home is decorated by five sets of goat horns nailed to the white walls made of a stucco-like material. An evil oozes from the door that would be yellow if it had a color. The patient inside, age sixty-seven, sat in a wheelchair and wore a red sweater and a black hat. She spoke slowly as she fought the pain of the HIV and cancer killing her. The walls in her home do not go all the way to the ceiling. There is a bush hanging upside down from a string in the corner. She has dried skins tied around her wrist forming a bracelet, another sign of ancestral worship which is as much of a pandemic as the HIV in this place. Zanele exercises her skinny legs before praying for her in Zulu. The woman cries out during the prayer and I put my hand on her shoulder, which feels like I am touching bone draped in cheap fabric. A rush of adrenaline washes over me. I feel like a soldier.

By the time we make it back to the Hope Center, people are already lined up at the gate. We have a room full of boxes to pack. The work feels more urgent than it did earlier in the week. The ladies who work with Zanele were glad to have our help. It seems so inefficient to move the parcels from the boxes to the bags, but I did not question, I just put my head down to accomplish the task at hand. By the time we finished, there is a room full of bags. The distribution starts immediately. People are coming from everywhere. Each person is asked to sign a sheet of paper before they receive their parcel. Many cannot write their name and sign with an “x.” There is an inordinate amount of left handed people, I notice. There are many overweight women, not from overeating, but because of their diet of carbohydrates and sugar. Somehow they were able to balance these heavy bags on their heads with little effort. It was impressive. While most of the parcels were given to women, there were some men. Many of the girls were young. Some were pregnant. I catch the eye of a girl who couldn’t have been more than fourteen who held the baby growing inside of her tummy. She turned her eyes down when she realized I was looking at her. About this time the children who live at the Hope Center came home. They were a welcome distraction from the droves of people lined up to receive the food. Apparently someone at school had a tube of lip gloss, because many of the girls had shinny red lips. They smiled and blushed when we talked to them. One little girl had an eye that looked dead. I am told birth defects are common in Sweetwaters. When we finished distributing the food, the line was a long as when we had started. A man in a yellow sweater with a black had looked at me as the line was finally breaking up at the news we were out of food and said in perfect English, “I’m hungry.”

I put my head down.

*****

We ate breakfast, loaded our suitcases and headed to Tabitha to say goodbye. When we arrived, Issy was busy getting the participants ready for a rare Saturday gymnastics performance. Life was moving forward without us. I presented the boys with the cricket equipment, which made me feel warm inside, and they divided the two sets between the older and younger kids as I had hoped. The children wanted to be held and tickled and loved, as usual. One boy who road in the car with me to the movie demanded that I stay, but seemed to expect I would leave and he would never see me again. This particular child is HIV positive, but he is taking his ARVs. Even if I make it back to Tabitha one day, he may or may not be there. Living in an orphanage and taking ARVs is taxing on the mind and body.

Leaving Tabitha, we drove toward the Durbin airport with the intention of stopping off to see the Indian Ocean. From the road in the hills at the first glance of the sea, you notice large ships floating off the coast. It has an ancient feeling. The ocean is pale blue with hints of green. The waves violently crash against the shore line made up of rocky boulders that are covered in patches of slippery green algae and exotic barnacles. A black man is posing for pictures in his red, jockey underwear. The sand feels like it is made up of tiny gravel, not nearly as fine as the white beaches of home. I roll up the pants legs of my jeans and take off my shoes to walk through the sand. I put them on again as I start my decent to a high rock. Crabs scatter. When I reached my destination, a slight sense of fear mixed with awe and peace wash over me. Waives threaten to knock me off my perch. I sat and thought about my wife and daughters and how much I wish we could share the moment. I thought about the stars on the foreheads of the orphans, the children of the crèche mixing piles of snacks to share and the beautiful young girl in red at the distribution center in Sweetwaters holding the baby growing in her tummy as she shamefully turned her eyes down. I thought about the amazing sacrifice of the workers from Tabitha and iThemba. I looked at the bracelet made by Mollie Ann on my left wrist. The wooden letters that spell “dad” are beginning to fade. I breathed deeply and thanked God for my life and whatever is next.

By: Craig Robertson