My Marriage is Forever

Jingle

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:23:00 GMT

He shows up this time of year –it is like a mini Christmas morning. The girls excitedly rush to wherever we are and demand that we come see Jingle. They laugh at him, talk to him and most of all –they believe in him. They believe that he is magic. They believe that he talks to Santa. They believe that he is watching. They believe that if you touch him, he loses his power. They believe.

The girls who invented the Elf on a Shelf story are absolute entrepreneurial geniuses. Not only have they sold thousands of these unisex dolls, they have altered the behavior of parents everywhere –turning us into these crazy, elf moving weirdos who are making up all kinds of stories to our kids. “Oh, Jingle didn’t move last night because he was dizzy because he was hanging upside down yesterday.”

“Jingle forgot to take your note to Santa because his pockets are so small and he couldn’t get in touch with his cousin, Frank, who usually helps him with that sort of thing.”

Thanks Elf on the Shelf inventors, you have turned me into a big, fat liar.

You know, one of the things that I love about kids is that they will believe just about anything. Life makes us cynical. We get in these ruts and stop dreaming. I think part of what is wrong with our marriages is that we do not dream together as a couple. We just kind of sit where we are and expect things to change or get better or even stay good. I am currently reading Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge. If you haven’t read this book, go to the bookstore or get online and buy it. I have been working my way through it pretty slowly. It is a book that you have to be in the mood to read because it serves as a wake up call.

According to Eldredge, “A good story has adventure to it: an unknown terrain explored, a wilderness survived, a mountain won, a destination reached. And the story of how it all unfolded –or unraveled –is told over and over again. Sometimes risk is involved. Sometimes danger. Often deep beauty. Adventures can be had on our own or with a group. Adventures can entail discovering a new city or acquiring a new talent. The right kind of adventures helps us to become more of who we long to be. And adventure helps to build companionship in a marriage.”

To have a good marriage, you have to be a dreamer. You have to believe in magic. You have to believe. For whatever reason, doing the tough work that is necessary to keep our families together goes on the back burner until there is a crisis, like the surfacing of an addiction or an affair. Wouldn’t it be great if we would work on our marriages before there is a major problem?

Jingle is not married. I am pretty sure he does not have the necessary “equipment.” But Jingle inspires little dreamers to well, dream. When it comes to our marriages, we must become more like our children. The alternative is just not fun.

By: Craig Robertson

The Wishing Tree

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 20:19:00 GMT

On the rare occasion that I get to visit a big city, I love to go to the art museums. Paintings are my favorite. When I go to New York City, I love to visit the Museum of Modern Art. The last time we went to MOMA, I made the mistake of visiting the paintings after we had been there for a few hours. By the time we got to the huge exhibit, Rachel was “over” the art museum and ready to get out of there. I could have looked at the paintings until the museum closed. The work takes you to another place and another time and another paradigm. On our way out, we were making our way through the courtyard that is also a sculpture garden. It is cool to think about all of the energy that is exerted by the artists, especially when crafting sculpture. I thought about some of the great sculptors and artists in Mississippi, including the iconic Dr. Samuel Gore of Mississippi College, who was the instructor for my friend Gary Walters, who works primarily in watercolor.

On the edge of the garden near the stairs was a tree that caught my eye. It was filled with tags tied to its branches with hundreds of wishes and thoughts in more languages than you could count. It was the Yoko Ono “Wish Tree.” According to the Imagine Peace Tower website, Ono says “As a child in Japan, I used to go to a temple and write out a wish on a piece of thin paper and tie it around the branch of a tree. Trees in temple courtyards were always filled with people’s wish knots, which looked like white flowers blossoming from afar.”

Okay, I know that this is a little new age for the average Mississippian, but you cannot escape the visual that it creates in your mind. A physical representation of the hopes and dreams of people diverse as the leaves on a tree is beautiful. The Bible talks about God providing for our hopes and dreams in this life. He provides food for birds and beautiful clothes for flowers- many of which the human eye will never see. For His children, He will abundantly provide for the hopes and dreams used to fill the Wish Tree of our soul. We don’t have to write it down and we certainly do not have to tie it to a tree.

A while back we started a non-profit adoption agency called 200 Million Flowers. The mission of 200 Million Flowers is to be more than an adoption agency. We want to connect children who need love with people who have love to give. I am kicking around an idea of creating a digital Wish Tree of sorts so that people who are doing orphan care work will have a tangible way to connect their needs with people who are willing to fill them. Would you buy some orphans a few school books? How about some shoes? How about sponsor them to go to gym class? I think if we can connect the needs with regular people on a micro level, we can collectively do some good. Don’t you think?

By: Craig Robertson

We Need More Men

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 16:56:00 GMT

I just finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge about ten years after everyone else. He writes: When a man’s life becomes an adventure, the whole thing takes on a transcendent purpose when he releases control in exchange for the recovery of the dreams in his heart. Sometimes those dreams are buried deep and it takes some unearthing to get to them. We must pay attention to our desire. Often the clues are in our past, in those moments when we found ourselves loving what we were doing. The details and circumstances change as we grow, but the themes remain the same.

Preach it John.

Many of the men that sit across my desk are….well, bored. Their life is a series of predictable events. They trudge through their weeks. Coffee, poop, shower, shave, breakfast, kids, drive, work, telephone, coffee, work, lunch, coffee, work, time wasting, work, drive, soccer, exercise, eat, television, book, sex…….repeat five times and then on the weekend mix in golf and church and beer. All of a sudden our hair is gray, our tummy has expanded and we are living with a bunch of strangers in our house.

We are a stranger to ourselves too.

We long for high school or college and we try to relive it through our kids or tailgating on the weekends. We need affairs, hunting, pornography, golf and television to escape the cacoon of safety we have created in our little brick houses, on a hillside, filled with stuff that gets old. We have a hardwired fascination and yearning and curiosity so we get stuff to repress that craving or we engage in destructive behavior to create toxic adventure.

If this is your man- he is dying. A man needs adventure. He needs deep connection in community. He needs God. He needs to get dirty- to be wild. He has developed a mask or a false self that appears to be reality but is actually a defense mechanism to cover up all those little hurts when deprived of love as a child. Maybe that defense is addiction or work or simply relying on his God-given-giftedness. All of the above is bad- life sucking.

Men must answer the call to resolve ourselves to become a warrior with a cause bigger than ourselves. Remember the reverse logic of the gospel- give up this life to gain real life. Eldredge writes" The most dangerous man on earth is the man who has reckoned with his own death. All men die; few men ever really live. Sure, you can create a safe life (or lie) for yourself....and end your days in a rest home babbling (with one leg) about some forgotten misfortune. I'd rather go down swinging. Besides, the less we are trying to "save ourselves,” the more effective a warrior we will be."

We must seek our life "in a spirit of furious indifference to it; (we) must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."

Sharpen Your Saw

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 21:19:00 GMT

Is your life as chaotic as mine? The days and weeks race by and we look in the mirror and we almost don’t recognize the person that we see. Our kids grow and change and break our hearts and fill us with joy. We reach this ceiling of complexity wherein we just go through our day and check the boxes of the tasks we are to complete. Whether its carpool lines, meetings, meals, grocery stores, yard work, church, phone calls, emails, Facebook, TV shows…. check, check, check.

I have written one poem in my adult life. It was after I was fired from my first job as a lawyer. You can read it here. I vowed at that time that I never wanted to live that way again, but sometimes I slip back into it without knowing what is happening. People turn around and a decade has past and not only do they not recognize themselves, they don’t recognize their spouse either. These are the hardest marriages to save and the bitterest of divorces in Mississippi or anywhere. Grieving happens, not of what “was” but what “could have been.” We lose touch with our friends and our family and the things in life that make us feel, well, alive. Sharpening one’s saw from time to time allows us to cut through life more cleanly.

A few weeks ago Rachel and I took the kids to the beach. We hardly ever get to go anywhere with just the four of us. We slept late, cooked, read, relaxed, exercised, talked, swam and sat on the beach. I usually have runner’s anxiety and cannot unwind until I hit the wall or the ceiling or the floor or whatever you want to call the point when you get numb and tired. Our guest pastor Mike Breaux in church the other day talked about how to slow down to enjoy the moments of life that we will never be able to relive. Check out the sermon Life Moments here.

I am trying to learn how to sharpen my saw. I am not good at it. Sharpening my saw happens when I exercise, read, think and flex my creativity. Sharpening my saw happens when I see beautiful art or things or engage in challenging conversations or listen to music or work with my hands or holding someone that I love.

How do you sharpen your saw?

I read today that “If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms.” That God would be the Creator of the universe and the Creator of peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, tenderness, goodness and self-control.

What is the life that you are clinging to? Is your life a product of mass media marketing our a transcendence of supernatural proportion? When you scroll back through the imprint in your mind of your favorite memories, what defines them? We should live intentionally to recreate life’s best moments.

Suzanne Simmons Walters found out about 200 Million Flowers and sent me a message. She is awaiting a liver transplant. Her words are a wakeup call: "One thing that I do know is that as soon as I have my second chance for life, I want to do something that I am passionate about."

I think we live and breathe her second chance every day.

The Vortex of Life

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 20:33:00 GMT

Webster defines a “vortex” as a mass of fluid with a whirling or circular motion that tends to form a cavity or vacuum in the center of the circle and draws toward this cavity or vacuum bodies subject to its action: something that resembles a whirlpool.

So then the Vortex of Life sounds to me like what happens when you flush the toilet as it relates to the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body (again Webster)- like the feeling you got in elementary school when you were the last to be picked in the kickball game or the other kids at the lunch table shunned you because you were not “cool” (Eldredge); or if you were the kid that was always picked first or you were doing the picking and the feeling you have now that the game is over. (Robertson)

Contrast this to the picture that John Eldredge paints in the Sacred Romance of what happens when believers walk into heaven:

When we walk into the crowded excitement of the wedding feast of the Lamb, with the sound of a thousand conversations, laughter and music, the clinking of glasses, and one more time our heart leaps with the hope that we might be let into the sacred circle, we will not be disappointed. We’ll be welcomed to the table by (God). No one will have to scramble to find another chair, to make room for us at the end of the table, or rustle up a place setting. There will be a seat with our name on it, held open at Jesus’ command for us and no other.

Life is like a toilet flushing. Heaven is like a wedding party where you are the guest of honor. One of the happiest occasions on earth is used to describe your reception in God’s house. If this is true, how does it affect how we live from day today? Proverbs 14:11 says that “the house of the wicked will be destroyed, but the tent of the upright will flourish.” Another translation says that “lives of careless wrongdoing are tumbledown shacks; holy living builds soaring cathedrals.”

So if you build your house in this world, what you have is a tumbledown shack, but if you think of your time here as temporary or tent like, while seemingly humble, in reality it is a cathedral that rivals the beauty of the Vatican in Rome. The longing for beauty inside of us we have captured fleeting glimpses of on our wedding day, when our children were born, surveying mountains or the ocean or whatever moment that was exceedingly beautiful on earth is a gift from God making us desire something not of this planet- a longing for heaven. We create false intamacy, momentary glimpses of beauty or security in our homes (shacks) or bank accounts or 401k’s. We also create false glimpses of beauty or security looking attractive or through sex or drugs or alcohol or through a sports team or hunting or anything that lets us feel in control or carefree or……

Do you hear the vortex of life flushing?

You cannot capture it. You were not made to catch it this side of heaven. It is in our DNA, moreover our soul. Beauty will fade. Drugs will kill you. Alcohol will lead you to the side of that big toilet bowl vortex of life.

Have you ever felt it? The longing inside of you that seeks comfort and beauty and intimacy and adventure and art?

I do.

By: Craig Robertson

Who Are You?

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 17:33:00 GMT

I have been reading Winnie-the-Pooh to my kids. We went on the ride at Disney a while back and I realized I didn’t really know the story. Someone told me today that a new movie is coming out too- we will definitely go. A while back, I downloaded it for free when we first got our iPad. I am only now getting around to reading it to the girls- chapter by chapter. I wonder if A.A. Milne ever in his wildest dreams imagined that people all over the globe could have his work in their hands in a matter of seconds through a digital devise connected to communication waives in mid-air? Amazing how far our technology has developed, while the themes that define who we are really haven’t.

The language in Winnie-the Pooh is smart and funny and of a timeless, introspective quality. With especially Pooh, we are given a window into his funny and sometimes confused thought process, which mostly surrounds food and his next meal of honey. In Chapter 8, Pooh Bear is approaching Rabbit about an imaginary expedition to the North Pole with Christopher Robin:

"Hallo, Rabbit," (said Winnie-the-Pooh), "is that you?"
"Let's pretend it isn't, said Rabbit, "and see what happens."
"I've got a message for you."
"I'll give it to him."

This phrase has stuck with me ever since I read it. I’ve been pondering it like Pooh does honey. Pooh is talking to Rabbit, but Rabbit chooses in that moment to pretend that he is someone else to “See what happens.” Rabbit is still not so detached from reality that he cannot transmit a message to him- especially if he likes what he hears.

Are you like that? Is the person that you present to be really you or is it someone else’s interpretation of you- their take on your little fairy tale. Are you yourself to your spouse or are you hiding from something? Are you afraid for the person that is closest to you to really know you on an intimate level so that you can enjoy a deep connection- real community? I know that I often am, but intellectualizing it and living it are sometimes very different.

Other than Winnie, I have read several other books lately in the search to find Craig Robertson- Half Time, The Cause Within You, Orphanology and now Sacred Romance. Fall of the House of Zeus was also entertaining but indirectly impactful. In Sacred Romance, Curtis and Eldredge gave insight into the question:

We put our hope in meeting a lover who will give us some form of immediate gratification, some taste of transcendence that will place a drop of water on our parched tongue. This taste of transcendence, coming as it does from nontranscendnet source, whether that be an affair, a drug, an obsession with sports, pornography, or living off of our giftedness, has the same effect on our souls as crack cocaine. Because the gratification touches us in the heart-place made for transcendent communion, without itself being transcendent, it attaches itself to our desire with chains that render us captive.

Maybe that’s what Rabbit was talking about. I am me, but not today because I am being fueled by temporary desires and temporary sources that are inadequate to complete or define me.

My word-for-the-month is TRANSCEND. Like Rabbit, I am too often not necessarily me because the me in my mind is boring or non-adventurous or whatever. Not only do I want to be me, I want to be the best version of me. The me that hovers a little bit over the ground and tingles in my toes and through my fingers.

So, stop pretending when asked that it isn’t you. Try to be you and…….See what happens.

By: Craig Robertson

Spinning Plates

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:17:00 GMT

The search for significance in an age-old question that artists and writers have attempted to answer through their work for centuries- I am in a season of life where I am thinking a lot about making a difference. So this is the American dream as it is presented to us- being married to someone you love, having your own car, a job, a house with a mortgage, two kids, a reasonable amount of unsecured debt and a vacation once a year. It is something you see in an iPhone or a beer commercial or read about in Southern Living or Garden and Gun.

One thing that I have determined is that life is not about acquiring stuff. Life is about acquiring experiences. How many times have you stopped and reflected about the things that you have as opposed to your experiences? Is your stuff what makes you happy?

I seriously doubt it.

Have you ever seen the circus act where someone is spinning plates? There are several of these javelin-type sticks and the performer is going back and forth between them, balancing several spinning plates. He spins one and then the next and then on to the next in a dizzying and circular pace to keep the plates in their orbit. Does your life feel like this? I know that mine often does. I go from one thing to another all day long and I do not have time to do much else than think about the next plate that I need to spin. We work long, stressful hours for what- to buy more stuff. What would our lives look like if we broke free from stuff that we don’t need? What would life be like if we broke free from consumerism?

I admit that I am the world’s worse. I like nice things. Like most of us, I have more things than I could ever use. This is a blessing and a curse.

Recently, I had the honor of being named Top 40 Under 40 by the Mississippi Business Journal. There was this huge, swanky lunch sponsored by several large companies. The highlight of the event was the announcement of the Top 40. The MC read the names in alphabetical order. Being a good bit down the list, I got to listen as the names were read aloud along with the accomplishments that each individual had achieved. The field was impressive. People that had started their own companies, ran large organizations, achieved numerous post graduate degrees and had an array of volunteer work in all sorts of very worthy causes were mentioned one by one.

Rachel and I took Mollie and Emma out of school so they could attend. They were the highlight of my day, as usual. While they had no idea what the event was about- they knew that daddy was getting a trophy. It could have been for anything- they could not have cared less. Walking on stage to get my plaque and have my picture taken with the publisher as they read off my resume in front of all of these people was so pale in comparison to the reception I received from my girls. They were not interested in all the stuff that I had accomplished- they were just proud that I was their daddy. I later told my law partner that I felt like I had been to my funeral. I do not want someone to read my resume when I walk into heaven. Craig was the founder of a boutique law firm blah blah blah.

Jeremy was encouraging, as usual. He has been listening to me talk for months about making a difference. He suggested that I not think of the event as a funeral, but more of a graduation. I am now graduating to the second part of my life- the part where I make a ripple. It’s time to use my talent, ability, influence and energy to do some good in this world. How about you?

So I have told you about Kathy before. She is a missionary in a foreign country. When she was selling all of her worldly belongings prior to leaving for the mission field again, she did not regret the auction or the people pilfering through her things- she regretted all the time she wasted acquiring a bunch of stuff that did not matter.

That’s where I am. It’s time to matter and stop spinning plates.

By: Craig Robertson

Why do We Forget Our Wedding Day?

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 02:21:00 GMT

I went to a really cool wedding on Saturday afternoon. It was in a renovated warehouse in downtown Jackson. Exposed bricks and beams, industrial lighting, a mix of antiques with modern furnishings, exposed HVAC and strings of single bulb lights gave a magazine-shoot-in-a-New York-loft type of feel to this very happy occasion. The weather was perfect, the bride and groom ecstatic and Rachel and I were especially touched because the couple was the first we had mentored through a program at our church.

Besides the location, there were other things unique about the wedding. Because the bride had tragically lost her father a little over a year ago, she was walked down the aisle by her brother, who carried a single rose in his memory. It was very moving. Rachel cried, of course.

The ceremony was performed by two pastors- one who was the young singles leader of the church that brought them together, and the other was an older minister who was either the long time pastor for one of the families or a relative, I’m not sure which. There was a soloist who sang worship songs before and during the ceremony, traditional scripture readings and a blessing at the end where the wedding party and close friends and family laid hands on the couple.

Since I deal with marriage on a daily basis, I always do a lot of thinking during wedding ceremonies. I listen carefully to the vows and I think about how quickly many of us forget these promises as we journey through life with our spouse.

Was this read at your wedding? Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NASB

It reads like this in another translation: Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first," doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 MSG

So what would our marriage look like if we lived out our vows and the readings of scripture like what was written by Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians? What would happen if we were truly patient? What would happen if we didn’t keep score of our spouses wrong doings? What would happen if we had hope and we never looked back? What type of marriage would we have then?
I want to challenge you today to live out your wedding vows and the scriptures read over you at your wedding. You have already made the promises, now it is just time to start keeping them.

By: Craig Robertson

Steve Jobs: How to live before you die

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 02:34:00 GMT

Passionate Partnering Couples Workshop

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 21:23:00 GMT

God designed marriage to be an experience of joy, pleasure and adventure. Through this 2-day therapeutic workshop, couples discover the joy and spiritual potential within their relationship.

This 10-hour workshop hosted by R+A Trusted Pro Phil Hardin is often compared to three to six months of weekly therapy and includes lectures, written exercises and live demonstrations of helpful communications skills and processes. Although much of the Workshop takes place in a group setting, you are not required to share with other participants. You share only with your partner in a safe, comfortable and confidential environment.

Therapist assistance is available throughout the workshop as needed.

More information is available here.

Emotional Imodium

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 03:35:00 GMT

I will warn you in advance that the content of this blog post contains TMI. Read further with caution. My house is currently being ravaged by a savage stomach virus. I am the last man standing. I can feel my stomach churning as I type. Whether this is a psychosomatic reaction to the knowledge of what has taken place in my home over the last several days or the actual bug, I’m not sure. What I do know is the ladies in the house are piled up in my bed sound asleep before 8pm and I will be sleeping elsewhere.

Yesterday was bad- a Valentine’s Day to remember and not in a good way.

My wife had prepared an excellent meal. She is an amazing cook. We were going to light a candle or two and sit as a family in the dining room as opposed to our usual spot at the bar in the kitchen. I had stopped and picked up a $40 bottle of wine as opposed to our usual under $15 vintage and the table was set with our nicer china and a centerpiece of white tulips. Unfortunately, one of my dear children was experiencing a recurrence of one of the terrible symptoms of the dreaded stomach bug, and I’m not talking about throwing up- we had plenty of that too. It was hard to watch my little angel burn a trail back and forth to the bathroom. Rachel, who had been home with the kids all day and had cleaned up more you-know-what than a person should be forced to touch, was of the opinion through the counsel of a nurse practitioner friend that it would be best to let the virus run its course and taking any sort of anti-diarrheal was a bad idea. She needed to drink fluids and flush out the bad stuff. I, under the counsel of nobody in particular, was of the opposite opinion. I am a doer. I thought that it would be best if we give her children’s Imodium. My line of thinking was that taking medicine is doing something and a quick fix to a bad situation- even if it means that it could stop things up for a few days.

A tiff ensued.

Our quiet little family Valentines dinner was spent in a minor uproar with frequent trips to the power room and a couple of interruptions from our unaffected child telling us to “Stop fighting.” Its crazy how hypersensitive children are to the least little bit of disagreement. No matter how well you think you are hiding it, a child knows when there is tension in a home. In fact, a child’s sensitivity to arguing parents is one of the reasons I gave up my long standing practice of not being in the same room with people that are going through a divorce. The way I see it, if their kids are forced to share a house with divorcing parents, the least I can do is work with them in a conference room to help resolve their conflict. Love your children more than you love to win an argument.

When Rachel and I had finally agreed to disagree and had eased into a romantic mood despite the several hours of disarray, we heard the toilet flush again, for maybe the twentieth time of the night, and were back on duty to comfort our very sick little child.

This morning as I reflected on the Valentine’s Day fiasco, I thought about how our dissimilarity of opinion regarding the administration of Imodium summed up in a lot of the ways Rachel and I are different. Rachel is a naturalist. She likes whole grains, vitamins, organic milk and taking medicine only when it is the absolute last resort. She also believes in discussing everything- flushing it out. I, on the other hand, am more accurately described as a Red Bull drinking, medicine taking hypochondriac that leaves my emotions bottled up. I spent several years of my life frequently self-medicating in an attempt to change my emotional state and sometimes I just assume sweep something under the rug as opposed to exposing it for what it is. How on earth a stomach-bug-induced debate over Imodium brought that into sharp focus is beyond me. Thinking through other elements of our personalities and various strengths and weaknesses exemplifies how God years ago had crafted the puzzle pieces of our character to fit together despite how different they appear individually. Interestingly when I was telling this story to my friend who is a family therapist, she said that when a person starts making progress in counseling, they often have episodes of diarrhea. Their body is literally purging itself- unwinding, uncoiling and becoming free.

So what this means for you and your marriage I don’t know. For me, it is an example of the developing problem solving skills in my home, the challenges of parenthood and the intrinsic worth of foregoing Imodium.

By: Craig Robertson

Fill It Up

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 21:57:00 GMT

I recently read a book called The 5 Love Languages. The premise of the book is that if you learn your spouse's love language and then do things focusing on her love language, then your spouse will be happier. Sounds pretty straight forward and easy, so what are these 5 love languages?

           Words of affirmation;
            Quality time;
            Receiving gifts;
            Acts of service and Physical touch

Once we figure out what our spouse's love language is, the ball falls in our court to act on it. After 14 years of marriage I have plenty of examples of what really makes my wife go and what she likes. If I hadn't paid attention, an easy way for me to learn her love language is to watch her when she gets to spend time with her family or closest friends. Once I let my pride get out of the way and paid a little attention and made an effort, it is pretty amazing what happens. Ever heard the saying a happy wife is a happy life? This doesn't mean bowing to all your spouse's desires, but it means making an effort, paying attention, being nice (think of the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated). It's not rocket science here people.

The idea is that if you are speaking and acting on your spouse's love language, then her emotional love tank will be full. When her tank is full, she is much more likely to be open and willing to in turn fill up your love tank. Think of it like your car on a long trip. Gas tank is on empty so you stop to fill up. I fill it up and then usually top it off for those few extra miles. Once I get back in the car to continue on, I feel very confident and ready for the next stage of the journey. Honestly, this requires little effort on your part. Think of it like school - a little effort goes a long way. Doing this does not guarantee you a happy life and marriage, but my question is this - how is what you are currently doing working for you? Stupidity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Try something different and see how it works. You never know, it may change your life.

By: Brett Vander Meeden

God Is In the Business of Changing Names

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 21:55:00 GMT

My first name is Marty, but I have always been called by my middle name. In high school I started using the first initial “M” when my full name was written out so people would call me Craig. There is nothing necessarily wrong with the name Marty- it is just not what I’m called. As an attorney, I have handled a few name changes. It is a relatively simple proceeding. You file a Complaint alleging why you want to change your name and at the stroke of a pen, your legal name can be changed by a judge. In a divorce decree, if a woman wants her prior name restored, it simply takes the addition of one line of text and her name will no longer identify her with her former husband. In a backwards kind of way, as a divorce lawyer, I am in the name changing business.

God is in the name changing business too.

Take Abram. God changed his name to Abraham. He was the father of many nations- God’s chosen people. He accepted God’s call on a journey without knowing the destination. He trusted God completely and generations have studied how his life impacted the world. How about his wife Sarai? The name Sarah was given to her at the time that it was announced to Abraham that she would be the mother of the promised child. Take Jacob. Jacob's name was changed to Israel. He saw God face to face. I know you have heard the story of a man called Simon who walked with Christ day in and day out. Simon was a fisherman who had a very common Jewish name, but Jesus had an uncommon purpose for his life and changed his name to “the Rock.” Although Peter was a flawed and excitable human being just like you and me, Christ built his church on the foundation of his ministry. I’ll also mention Saul. He was a persecutor of Christians that met Jesus on the road to Damascus. We know Saul or Paul because he is one of the bestselling authors of all time. His letters, mostly written in prison, make up most of the New Testament.

I was a baseball player growing up. I was pretty good and it was my identity. In high school, I played on one of the best teams in Mississippi and broke several school records. This led to a scholarship at a small college. I excelled there too, winning conference and regional accolades during my freshman year. I was not satisfied so I transferred to a bigger school in the Southeastern Conference. Although I was as skilled and strong as I had ever been, the team’s recruiting class that year was one of the top in the country, and I never played that much again. My ability had taken me as far as I would go. A few of my teammates played professional baseball in the big leagues. One of them was paid a large sum of money to do so, but to my knowledge, nobody I ever played with will make it to the baseball hall of fame.

A book was recently published about the rise and fall of Dickie Scruggs. At one time, he was a powerful trial lawyer from Mississippi who made tens of millions of dollars from asbestos and tobacco litigation. He achieved more success in the legal field than I could ever hope for, but he was never satisfied. He would spend most of his afternoons taking pills to help him escape the pressures of his fortune and fame. Although he had more earthly wealth than a person could ever need, his desire for more eventually had him caught up in several scandals which eventually landed him in prison. He is now a janitor living behind bars.

Our name is at the core of our identity. While we are to a large degree the product of our own choices, we have nothing to do with our given name. It is like our DNA. It is the first act of “nurture” which coupled with our biological makeup forms the foundation of who we are.

So how do you feel about your name?

Do you wake up each day and do the same old thing the same old way? Has that made you want to give up? Have you achieved more success than you ever dreamed, but you still feel empty? I heard a pastor say the other day that a rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out. Is your name tied to how you earn a living or how you spend your day? Is your name Dickie or doctor or daddy or dropout or something else? Maybe your name is alcoholic or sex addict or eating disorder or bankrupt or adulterer?

When your identity is wrapped up in your job or your possessions, you will constantly feel inadequate, because there is always someone that is going to do better or have more. You will never be satisfied. Your thirst will never be quenched. Regardless of what you are called, if your success is measured on this planet, there is always someone or something better. Notwithstanding your ambition, you will always fall short. Your name is irrelevant.

God can change your name, and He can also change your life.

Until such time as you lean into God’s divine plan for your life, you will always want more, no matter how far you think you have come. The All Powerful Creator of the universe is bigger than your problem. He made you with a certain set of skills for His Divine Plan in your life. Let go of your direction, which is never good enough, and seek his direction, which is perfect. That’s how you become comfortable with your own name.

By: Marty Craig Robertson

Vulnerability

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 20:32:00 GMT

And the Pursuit of Love

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 21:46:00 GMT

Have you noticed how often the plot line of a movie will find its climax in an apology or a confession turning the story toward resolution? The character almost always apologizes with some desire for the offended person’s happiness: “all I strived for was your happiness,” “I thought it was what you wanted,” or “I tried to keep you happy that way”? These words often function as the key for solving the conflict.

I often hear these same lines in my counseling office as people talk about their spouse, their child, or loved one. If I do not hear it said out loud, I feel the current underlying virtually every issue that my clients are facing. This underlying foundation is not love, yet it is the basis for our interactions, and its allure seems everywhere.

There is a protest in us that says love and happiness should be the same and that loving someone means doing what we can for their happiness, and we hope for the same in return. From this foundation, we see any action that brings up or contributes to someone else feeling sadness, anger or guilt as un-loving

Why do we scramble in the direction of happiness or rather high tail it away from these other emotions? There is tension, embarrassment or shame when we face the faults of others, the imperfections of ourselves, and the ‘unfairness’ of our world. Why should we spend any time seeking that unpleasant place between ourselves and others in our lives? We are willing to go to this place, because that is where Love lives.

Love lives in reality and truth, in the truth about the world, others, and ourselves. When we deny, avoid or leave out the ‘yuck’ in our relationships we create a distance, which keeps us safe from hurt and safe from love. This distance keeps places within us alone and unknown, thus our relationships stagnate. God could have made us to live in these solitary “safe” places, but He chose to make us with deep needs for relationship with Himself and others. When all was perfect between God and Adam, God said that Adam was alone and it was not good (Gen 2:18). How much more is it not good for us to be alone in our lives now?

Maybe you’re saying now “Okay. I can see how pursuing love may be better than trying to keep others happy, but how do I do that? I’ve never known anybody that does that. I couldn’t face the reaction from the people I know if I went there.” If you’re saying any version of the above, then you are in good company. Pursuing love is not the norm, and I do not suggest you go out and start trying this with everyone you know. It is vulnerable and risky. While it will not ever be risk-free, be intentional who you do this with. The reward of love is worth the risk.

If you have not seen or experienced going into these parts of a relationship with someone before, then the first step is to find someone who does and experience it from them. Keep your ears open and eyes peeled. Pray for this someone to come across your circle. It may be a neighbor, church member, counselor, friend of a friend, etc. This relationship will need to build over a period of time. There must be trust. Then, pursue these places in your relationship with this person. It can even be something you openly talk about trying to do together. This does not have to be an epic, secret-telling of your past. Let it be natural as life dishes it bit by bit within the relationship.

This is part of what Jesus was talking about when He said that God wants to bring us back to life and life abundantly (John 10:10). Love is being known. The real fallen me knowing the real fallen you.

Parents, this also applies in your relationship with your children. What a gift for them to learn from a young age that making them happy is not the default of your relationship with them. How amazing for them to know that your love, knowing all of them, is the basis - not whether they are happy or not. Likewise, you are not expecting them to make you happy, but instead are experiencing their love, being known by them, in reality and truth.

--Ariel Anderton